Army of Fun


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Thursday, March 06, 2003

From J. Fyrste's little blue notebook of derision and insight vol. 4:
In the future everyone will be in pornography for fifteen minutes.
Fyrste, 7:22 AM

Monday, March 03, 2003

Warning: I'm going to talk about the upcoming war and shit. If you're sick of talk about the war, and I don't blame you one bit because I'm sure sick of it, then just scroll down to the previous posting where you'll find some mocking of the President I wrote a couple years ago but is still applicable today, or if you want some non-political humor, and I won't blame anyone for that either, then click here and read something else I wrote back in the day that makes fun of Ohio, a girl, and, as always, myself. Hopefully, once I've vented a bit I can get back to writing about bears and women of fantastic inherited wealth, or making fun of the nations of the Commonwealth (can you believe they worship a queen?!? by making animal sacrifices?!?), or maybe about that time I was living in Seattle, never mind I'll get to that later.

I am so sick of the war. Obviously, it's a big thing. Deciding to kill people always is or at least it should be. But, to mix metaphors, it sucks up so much bandwidth that many other important things slip under the radar such as every domestic issue from appointments to the judiciary to preservation of the environment to zero job growth. Now I don't think that pushing all that off of the front page is the prime motive for the war within the Bush Administration, I attribute that to other crazy calculations, but it certainly worked out well for them, eh?

I am so sick of the war. My raised-on-TV very short attention span has been taxed to the limit. So I'm starting to feel like jesus christ just invade Iraq and get it over with so I don't have to hear about it anymore. Yeah, that's a selfish and cynical position to take but after all I am an American. And I'm concerned that that's exactly how we, my fellow Americans and I, will feel and act once it all goes down. We'll all just move on to the next thing and the oh so heralded liberation of Iraq will become a drag on the federal budget and some Americans will get killed and suddenly a "friendly" new dictator won't seem like such a bad thing and who is going to complain. The go war crowd will be agitating for the next war and the no war crowd will be protesting the next war, and the failure of a "democratic Iraq" will just be something to blame on your opponents who ever they may be rather than anything most people are interested in pursuing. I mean, Afghanistan anyone?

Oh well, I think I'll just retire to my safe-room. Well, actually my bathroom and while I don't think that sealing up the door and the vents with duct tape and plastic will protect me from that biological or chemical attack (that's not gonna happen where I live anyway), I now have one hell of a kickass make-shift sauna and I could use a good shvitz.

Fyrste, 9:14 AM
Look! I'm posting something I wrote years ago because I'm feeling lazy and bitter today. Thank god it's still relevant.

Bushonics: A Viral Meme

Intoduction and Etiology

At first it spreads almost subliminablably. In fact you're barely aware of it taking a hold on you. The first symptoms are indeed mild and you might mistake them for humorous remarks meant to mock the president, and mild slips of your erstwhile nimble tongue. In truth, though, the meme is working its way through the language circuits in your cerebral cortex, subtly altering them in order to replicate itself and cause you, the victim, to begin uttering nonsense in the form of spoonerisms, mixed metaphor, nonsense words, and in the terminal stages complete gibberish that endsin an encouragement to faith and/or prayer. However, these unfortunate victims are typically unable to understand themselves as to what they andothers should have faith in or as for what said prayers should be said.

Victims often become first aware of the spread of the viral meme through their consciousness while on the phone. Psychologist's and other experts tend to believe this is because all of the information focused on and communicated takes place in verbal form without the distractions of body language and other visual cues. One patient who had moved into this secondary stage of Bushonics, marked by notable slips of the tongue and the use of poor grammar while one is not purposefully mocking the president, noted that in a conversation with a friend they had both noticed each other and themselves slipping into Bushisms. "We were saying things like 'superfulous' and 'in oppose to'. It were a terrible thing to be suddenly aware that this meme have gotten a hold over you, but at least then I had faith-based subject-verb agreeance. I hope someone can find an end to this solubilty quick."

As Patient X, quoted above, keenly noticed in the third stage of the viral Bushonics meme's course, the victim, probably you right now, begins to lose all concept of subject-verb agreement. For example, one might say "my friends is coming over" or "do the car smells funny to you". Sadly, though Patient X had noted the progress of the meme in the secondary stage, he did not seek help until well into the obscenely ungrammatical tertiary stage by which time, for almost all of this meme's victims, all the known interventions, which often help those in the secondary stage, have no effect in reversing the course of the viral meme.

In the terminal quaternary stage the meme stricken patient loses all ability to string words together in any meaningful way. That a given person has reached the quaternary stage is relatively obvious to those around him or her who have not themselves been infected. Unfortunately, the rather widespread media vectors of this meme are leaving fewer uninfected people to notice the problem. In addition the patient in the terminal stage becomes a serious hazard to others as he or she broadcasts the meme with every single afflicted utterance. At this point in time the only option to prevent the patient furthering the spread of the meme is quarantine and confinement. The only positive aspect of the terminal stage is that the patients become incredibly faithful in some random concept for reasons they are incapable of explaining in a way that anyone can understand and spend much of their time in garbled prayer or repeating biblically derived malapropisms.

Vectors and Susceptible Populations

As noted above the most obvious of vectors is the mass media coverage of Patient Zero and President of the United States, George W Bush, or 'Dubya'*. The broadcast media are especially egregious in this area as they often broadcast Patient Zero speaking in both the equally dangerous live or prerecorded formats.
We can only count ourselves lucky that those closest to him appear to be aware of the danger of this meme and have therefore kept his oratory appearances, and thus subsequent public exposure to the meme, to a practical minimum.

Coverage of Patient W is not the only way this meme spreads. Responsibility is also to be found among late night talk and sketch programs where it appears in the guise of 'comedy'. As one who has taken the extreme risk of treating those stricken with this viral meme, and who has seen and heard for himself the dire condition that results from the meme's replication, let me assure you this is no laughing matter. Other vectors include allegedly 'humorous' impressionists, wags, web sites which cover or mock the President's statements, someone in your family, and very possibly your best friend.

Some have hypothesized that certain segments of the population may be particularly susceptible to the spread of this meme though no thorough studies have been completed yet. Populations that may be extremely vulnerable include the very young,
Texans, those who speak English as a second language, the undereducated (who already often possess very poor skills in the use of grammar), and the overeducated as they are most likely to be frequently exposed to the highly infectious 'statements'* of Patient Zero/W. It is however possible that some undereducated segments of the population who have alternative grammar traditions of their own (e.g. inner city minority populations, the Amish, residents of rural Appalachia) may have a natural resistance to the Bushonics meme, thanks to the strength of their own traditional memes.


Not much is known about possible complications as a result of the effect of the Bushonic viral meme. The primary reason for this is that patient self-reports are, to be generous, unreliable and, to be accurate, incomprehensible. Nonetheless, as the BVM is known to induce a complete breakdown of grammar and syntax in it's victims some have postulated that patients may be further endangered by the spread of opportunistic memes normally regarded as harmless, such as Perotine Encephalopathy and Systematic Ratheremia.

- Dr. Ignatius Glottalstahp, MD
Fyrste, 9:03 AM