Army of Fun


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Thursday, February 20, 2003

In these dark times as alliances and international bodies are riven with argument, as lies whistle incessantly past the spittle flecked lips of US and Iraqi leaders, as the spectral darkness of war without end threatens to blot out the sun of peace, as the last fraying stitches of our latter day, high tech belle epoque snap in the unyielding wind of change, as America's bitterness towards the French reaches record highs, as both the frequency and quantity of my daily drug intake increases--and here I might add that with a base of Paxil, any benzodiazepine and judicious lungfuls of the killer reefer it's hard to go wrong; in extreme conditions doubling up on the benzodiazepines and adding booze to the mix will not only provide you a preternatural, if clumsy, calm but also prevent remembrance of many of the awful events, as the world stands, nay teeters, on the precipice of the brink of the abyss, I ramble on clearly in love with words and my deployment of them--and clearly, given my infrequent postings, it is a miserly love; I give them to the world reluctantly; these literary nuggets which I dispense with straining difficulty like the reluctant spoor of a bed-ridden, unMetamuciled geriatric (and, yes, that comparison may be unseemly and also kind of inaccurate but still), as all I've mentioned and more transpire, one question buzzes through more educated or curious heads than other questions. Why is it that a significant portion, perhaps a majority, of the US populace hate Ben Affleck more than they hate Saddam Hussein?

I ask this question not to bury America in heaps of elitist scorn, after all I join many of my fellow Americans in their derision of Assfleck, but in an attempt to find a solution to this terrible, pop inversion of priorities. I mean seriously, Saddam Hussein is a serial deployer of chemical weapons; he repeatedly gassed his Iranian foes and Kurdih citizens of Iraq; he invaded Kuwait and Iran; he has people killed and tortured not only in the course of his devious machinations but on his whims; his sartorial sense, though it works occassionally, is largely questionable (Goodfella suits and Bavarian hats?). And li'l Bennie Affleck what are his crimes? In general an inexplicable, in terms of talent or effort, rise to fame on the basis of a script he probably didn't even write. More recently there's DareDevil and his relatively unrestricted access to J. Lo's dense ass though this last may be punishment more than crime. Obviously, America's priorities are deeply out of whack. Since it's impossible to hate Affleck less, I guess we could try hating Hussein more, but to just say that seems too abstract. A concrete plan is in order.

I suggest that the solution is to start casting Saddam Hussein for "Affleck" roles. Just imagine how much more contemptible Saddam's malefic resume would be if it included star billing in Reindeer Games and Pearl Harbor. Or the revulsion America would feel if subjected to Saddam's bristling mustache jutting from a red leather mask. So I say let Saddam be the next poorly acted iteration of Jack Ryan, and let him star in alleged romantic comedies with Sandra Bullock. To confuse the issue even further Affleck could play Saddam in Saddam! From Baghdad To Babylon, a film chronicling Saddam's rise to dictatorial power and then his further rise to Hollywood "It-Boy".

Admittedly, this plan could backfire. Saddam has an undeniable Burt Reynolds-like caddish charisma what with the mustache and all. America could fall head over heels in love with his as yet undicovered stylish acting chops, and his off-screen antics would soon have the tabloids aswoon. The next thing we know he'll be caught canoodling with Sharon Stone and Julia Roberts on the set of Pretty Woman 2: The Quickening, and America will be down on it's knees begging for more, more, more.

On second thought, let's just declare Saddam Hussein President-For-Life of France and Iraq then invade both countries. I think Ameica could get wholeheartedly behind that.
Fyrste, 12:50 PM