Army of Fun

 

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Friday, February 14, 2003

 
I wish I could wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day but I can't do it. Not because I am a bitter man once too often tossed unceremoniously into loves ash-heap, but because the world is held hostage. Because the world trembles in the cold shadow of a madman who possesses and uses bio-chemical weapons. I speak, of course, of that vile pagan spawn with the potential to destroy the world as we know it, Cupid. Why have we not addressed this threat? This well-known threat who shoots people with poisoned arrows to take advantage of the evil biology of our tingling nether bits and override our higher minds. Cupid can make young men fall in love with octogenarian women. Cause young women to lust after animals. Presumably, he can even make you gay, or worse, a Catholic priest. Thus far he has only been known to strike one victim at a time, but intelligence network chatter indicates he may be working on a "love fog" which would allow him to strike down his victims en masse.

Where are our leaders on this important and timely issue? Perhaps they have already been compromised. Perhaps as we speak, Condi Rice and Paul "P-Dog" Wolfowitz are furitively scrabbling to nudify each other in some infrequently used West Wing supply closet. I have tried and tried to get this important issue the attention it deserves. I have written hundreds of letters to our current and previous presidents. I have appeared on numerous street corners to warn the public of this scourge. I have stood upon Kofi Annan's doorstep naked as the day I was born in an attempt to shame him into action. Thus far it has all been for naught. I need help. So now I ask you to join me. Bare your naked body in all it's shamefulness before as many authority figure as possible until Hans Blix searches Cupid's realm, including his cloud palaces, and disarms him or until America blasts him from the sky.

In the meantime I offer the following bio-chem terrorism (Cupid and non-Cupid related) prevention/avoision tips:

Cupid: To prevent piercing by bio-chemical tipped arrows wear as many layers of clothing as possible.

Non-Cupid: In a pinch, seal your nose and mouth with duct tape to make a very efficient temporary gas mask.

Cupid: In the event that you find yourself falling in love immediately turn yourself into John Ashcroft. This is especially important in instances of same-sex love falling.

Non-Cupid: During a chemical/biological attack wrap yourself in Saran Wrap and zip yourself up tight in a sleeping bag. This will not protect you but will spare the rest of us the sight of your horrible writhing and blistering, and will make body disposal just that much easier.

Cupid: Do your part to stem the pink tide of love terror by beating down any couple you come across.

Non-Cupid: After a chemical/biological attack send children outside first. Since their small size makes them more susceptible to such weapons, chances are that if they survive so will you.

Both: Never go outside.
Fyrste, 1:58 PM

Thursday, February 13, 2003

 
"The terrorists have an interest in very serious weapons of chemistry, evil biology and even radiological consequences," Ashcroft said.

I get the feeling that to John Ashcroft all biology is evil biology.


Fyrste, 1:10 PM

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

 
Just some personal mental house-cleaning type stuff today. No jokes, no divertissements. No need to read on unless you happen to be Ivanka Trump or the Olsen Twins. But, just in case any extraneous readers decide to press on, I'd should probably mention that the following are my responses to inquiries submitted by the aforementioned female persons in response to a previous posting on this site, in which I offered succor to those women sufering from the burden of fantastic inherited wealth.

Ivanka, let me first say that I was pleased to discover upon reading your kind entreaty that your status as a child of privlege has not inhibited you from attaining a rudimentary grasp of the written word. Nor was your letter tainted with the skank of the obscenity-laced, and nearly illiterate, "missives" I recieved from the Hilton sisters which I immediately discarded. I do have one word of advice if I may: "they're" is a contraction of "they are", the word you're looking for is "their", the third person possessive pronoun.

As for your suggestion that we "get together" I am afraid I will have to respectfully decline. Your problems seem far too intractable for me to handle caught as you are between the Scylla of the Donald and the Charybdis of Ivana. Your recent foray into modeling speaks of your troubles more than any letter ever could. This attempt to win your father's love by reliving your mother's life can only lead to sorrow on the level of Greek Tragedy.

Even so, I'd like to say that the diorama that you sent of us making love on a speedboat off the Florida was fantastic. You really captured the details down to the floating carcass of a recently rundown manatee. My only quibble is that I do not look exactly like Wesley Snipes nor have I ever worn a dashiki while "doing the deed".

Now, as for Mary-Kate and Ashley or, as you appropriately and no doubt obliviously prefer to sign your notes, Mashley* I only have one thing to say. Please leave me alone. There are so many reasons I say this that I don't know where to start enumerationg them. How about with the fact that my posting was directed women possessing or due to come into fantastic inherited wealth. While there's no denying that you have a lot of money, your money is tainted with the stench of money-grubbing effort. But we're rich, you say. But we have so much stuff, you say. You say you have airplanes and horse and airplanes with horses in them so you can gallop through the skies at thirty thousand feet. Well, I bet none of those things are in your name(s) cause neither of you is legal. And, about that whole legal thing, well, it raises at least one other issue, and, honestly, I can't be expected to wait around for a year and a half unti you are. Not that either of you seem to understand that. Not if your belief that I could marry both of you at the same time is any indication, and no Ashley it is not legal in Canada. Finally there is one more issue that I am hesitant to bring up, but I think I must so I will try to be as delicate as possible. Namely, the two of you are only marginally attractive. So, if it were possible to marry you both, it would be the equivalent, to me anyway, of marrying one good-looking girl and one ugly one. And I'm sorry, but I could never marry an ugly girl and all the pony-filled, gold-plated airplanes in the world can't change that.

*because they send me mash-notes, get it?

tip o' the cursor to Scott Bronco for his contributions to this post
Fyrste, 4:45 PM